Posts tagged Etiquette

 
What are you waiting for? Registering for wedding gifts should be one of the first tasks you tackle when you get engaged. Friends and relatives will be looking to buy wedding gifts as soon as he pops the question. Really! Take the guesswork out of gift buying by making sure they know what you want. You don’t need to complete your list just yet, but at least have a selection for guests to browse
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Hitting the stores together is essential. After all, the gifts are for both of you. To decide what you need, take inventory of the things you already have and see where the gaps are. Talk about the style of home you’d both like, and split up the final say (you could alternate items) to make it fair. (Maybe he gets to make final decisions on electronics, while you get to choose the kitchen stuff since you’re the chef.)

 
Don’t feel like you just need to register for china and flatware. Many stores have wedding registries now, so feel free to include whatever it is that will make your new house a home, be it electronics, appliances, or even camping equipment.

 
Try to avoid filling your list with things you’re never going to use. If you two aren’t the formal party types, then you probably won’t need a crystal punch bowl, as compelling as it may seem when you walk by with that registry scanner. Also, be extra-sure before you register for anything that’s monogrammed. Once your name is on it, you probably won’t be able to return it.

 
It’s always a good idea to inquire about a store’s exchange/return policies. The great thing is many wedding registry retailers have amazing customer service to accommodate to-be-weds’ needs (for example, you might suddenly realize that you don’t really have room for 24 chargers and want to return, say, eight of them). That said, being aware of the store’s return and exchange timelines will help you better plan and manage your registry.

 
As much as you may be hankering for that gorgeous $350-a-place-setting silver, be sure to register for items in a wide range of price points: under $50, under $75, under $100, under $200, and beyond, so all of your guests can choose gifts they can afford. You don’t want your college friend feeling overwhelmed by the fact that he can’t find a single gift; and on the opposite side, you don’t want your parents’ closest friends to have to buy you a multitude of smaller items to give you a generous gift.

 
At least one (and preferably all) of your registries should be available online. Guests should also be able to place their orders in person, over the phone, or by fax. If you’ve registered at a boutique retailer that doesn’t offer online services, you should be okay, as long as that’s not the only place you’ve registered. We live in a hectic world and you want to let guests be able to order you a gift — even if it’s 2 a.m.!

 
When a guest buys a gift for you, your registry should automatically update, allowing other guests to see what’s been purchased (and allowing you to see what’s on its way!). Make sure to revisit your registry often (trust us, you’ll be visiting several times a day once the wedding day nears), and update it with additional selections as products are purchased so that guests always have a variety of things to choose from. Aim to have at least twice as many items on your list as guests at your wedding.

 
Sure, some couples love receiving cash, but asking for it is not exactly Future Mr. and Mrs. Manners-approved. A more etiquette-friendly option? Try gift cards. Many stores allow you to register for them and you can use them to buy the things you want and need…later. If you are anxious for cash gifts, ask one or two close friends and immediate family members to politely spread the word.

 
Be gracious — let your guests know their gifts have arrived — promptly. Thank-you notes for gifts received before the wedding should be sent within two weeks of their arrival. Notes for gifts received on or after the wedding day should be sent within a month of your return from the honeymoon. In all notes, be sure to mention the gift by name.

Q: My fiancé and his family think we should invite everyone to the wedding with a guest. What’s the rule?

A: You needn’t invite every single person to your wedding with a guest. In fact, most couples today don’t —  unless they have an unlimited budget. You should, however, include partners of the following people:

► Everyone who is married (even if you don’t know their spouse)
► Couples who are engaged
► Couples who are living together
► Guests who have had a steady significant other for so long that it would seem awkward not to include their partners.

The last instance is a judgment call, but in most cases, your gut will tell you what to do.

Q. What is the proper order to line up the bridesmaids and groomsmen? I was under the impression that you have them in the order of who is important in your life. Someone else said you put them in order by height. Which is right?

Q: A friend attended my wedding and did not give a gift. She said a few months later that she was trying to decide what to get. I just received her wedding invitation, and I’m wondering, do I buy her a gift?

A: Go for the gift. If this is stinginess on her part, she may learn from your example. If it’s procrastination, she may be embarrassed into action. If it’s well-meaning indecision, she may snap to. Whichever it is, you keep your friendship intact.

Wedding Receiving Line Etiquette

A receiving line is always seen at a truly formal wedding. The purpose behind the tradition is to allow the hostess - usually the Mother of the Bride, regardless of who is paying for the wedding - to personally welcome the guests into the reception.

Traditionally, the host - usually the Father of the Bride, regardless of who is paying for the wedding - mingles nearby, introducing guests to one an other, pointing guests in the direction of the bar and hors d’oeuvres, and so forth.

It is very similar to when a couple hosts a formal cocktail party in their home. The hostess greets and welcomes guests, then directs them toward the living room where her husband introduces them around and points them toward the bartender.

To Receive, or Not to Receive?

Sometimes, when the reception will be quite brief, or in the case of a less formal wedding, the couple might opt not to have a receiving line. Some reception sites and halls may actually encourage that in order to keep everything on schedule.

A word of caution about this, however… if you are foregoing the receiving line with the thought that you will instead visit each table of guests after dinner (an unquestionable must if there is no receiving line), you are very likely to find your own fun and enjoyment of your wedding reception to be cut down by all the required table-hopping. Instead of hitting the dance floor, you may find the night to be quickly consumed by your obligation to “make the rounds”.

Many couples who take this route later report that the night was over before it even seemed to have gotten under way, and that the entire event is a bit of a blur in their minds.

While almost every couple finds that the wedding day goes by much faster than they would like, fulfilling your duty to visit every table instead of dancing the night away and mingling more freely is almost certain to make the evening seem shorter and perhaps less satisfying.

Where to Receive

When observing traditional etiquette, the classical receiving line is never held at the church, but rather, always at the reception site.

There are some rules of traditional etiquette which, even to day, must never be modified, however, this is not one of them. Therefore, for a wedding with a more contemporary approach, you may choose to have a receiving line at the church (usually after the ceremony).

Who Stands in the Receiving Line?

According to traditional etiquette, the order of the traditional, and most formal receiving line is as follows:

Mother of the Bride
Mother of the Groom
Bride
Groom
Maid of Honor
All of the Bridesmaids

Traditionally, no men stand in the receiving line, except for the groom, of course. Child attendants also do not participate in the receiving line.

However, not everyone is concerned with maintaining the highest level of tradition or formality, and it is certainly acceptable to deviate from the historic form of the receiving line if desired. Today, couples may create any number of variations of the receiving line. For example, these days, it is not uncommon to include the fathers and groomsmen in the receiving line if you would like

Some couples prefer a contemporary, shorter version with just themselves and both sets of parents. That would take the following order: Mother of the Bride, Father of the Bride, Bride, Groom, Mother of the Groom, Father of the Groom. If any of the parents are divorced and relations are strained, then a simple switch in the order of the line would occur. The line would then look like this: Mother of the Bride, Father of the Groom, Bride, Groom, Mother of the Groom, Father of the Bride.

Children are sometimes also seen in more contemporary receiving lines. However, this is only advisable if they are old enough, and well behaved enough to stand for a long period of time without becoming restless or fidgety.

Typically, it is still good advice to limit the number of people in the receiving line as much as possible for practical reasons. This will make it quick for guests to move through the line ( guests often loathe being held up in a slow moving receiving line!) and to enable the reception festivities to get under way without too lengthy of a delay. It is also probably still favorable to avoid having the ushers, groomsmen and best man stand in the line - not only because it will speed things along, but also because it will probably be the more preferred option for these gentlemen themselves.

Short Receptions & Receiving Lines

When it comes to daytime weddings which are held in a hall or similar reception facility, often another event may be scheduled in the facility for that evening. Therefore, the facility may require that the function conclude by a certain time, such as 4:00 PM, so that it can be cleared and then set up for the evening reception.

Such a scenario where time is constrained may present a consideration in deciding whether or not to have the receiving line. When time will be considerably limited, it may necessitate eliminating the receiving line.

Q. My mom and dad are recently divorced and my father wants to bring his new girlfriend to the wedding. I don’t want my mother’s feelings to be hurt. What should we tell him?

A. First, as a couple, decide for yourselves whether you wish to invite your newly single parents with or without a guest (I definitely suggest inviting them with). The only exception: If the new girlfriend was in any way involved in the divorce (in other words, if there was an “other woman” or “other man” situation happening), strongly consider asking your father to respect your mother’s feelings and not bring someone who is likely to re-open unhealed wounds. If that’s not the case and you do choose to invite your parents with guests, make sure it’s clear on your invitations that each parent is welcome to bring someone (whether a new love interest or a friend). What happens after that is out of your control. It becomes each parent’s decision whether to attend the wedding with someone or to go solo. Your parents are adults and will (hopefully) act as such on the day of your wedding. Any hurt feelings will be superseded by the joy of seeing their daughter getting married to the man of her dreams.

You may have been to dozens of weddings, but it’s hard to know what is supposed to happen when at your own wedding reception. Relax; I’ve mapped it out for you so you don’t have to.

Sample Wedding Reception Timeline

Cocktail Hour/Bridal Party Takes Pictures

After your “I dos,” you and your husband leave the ceremony first – followed by the bridal party and your photographer – to take your first photographs as husband and wife. At this time, your guests will head to the reception site. To keep the mood festive and fun, cocktail hour should begin as soon as guests arrive at the reception, whether that happens five minutes or an hour after the ceremony. I recommend an hour and fifteen minutes to an hour and a half for your cocktail hour, so that you get to enjoy a few moments of it after the photos are done.

Bride and Groom Grand Entrance and First Dance

Husband and wife… Mr. and Mrs… this is the time for your grand entrance. The facility or event coordinator will gather your guests to await your arrival. Typically, the bridal party and both sets of parents are introduced, followed by the bride and groom.

Wedding Welcome Speech and Toasts

After your entrance, all eyes are still on you. With everyone gathered, this is a perfect time for the parents, the bride and groom, or the honor attendants to speak. The host (often the father of the bride) may choose to welcome and thank your guests for coming. Someone may say a blessing. The best man and maid of honor may also choose to speak at this time.

Eat, Drink, and be Married…

Whether you serve a sit-down meal or buffet, this is the time when everybody eats. The bride and groom and their parents are typically served first or are the first to hit the buffet. This may seem contrary to etiquette, but serving them first affords the time to make table visits while the rest of the guests are seated. Your band or deejay will play subdued “dinner appropriate” music at this time (Sinatra and old standards are a favorite). Word of advice to the bride and groom: Make sure you take advantage of this time to eat!

Start Dancing

Take the lead and hit the dance floor! Guests usually follow the lead of the bride and groom, so do your part to ensure a packed dance floor. At this point, you should have already greeted your guests and accomplished your duties as host. Remember: This is your party, so have fun.

Cut the Wedding Cake

About an hour before the reception’s finale, your waitstaff will begin preparing for dessert and coffee. The cake cutting signifies to guests that it is appropriate to depart anytime thereafter, so make sure it doesn’t happen too early, or you could find yourself alone at an empty reception.

Back to the Party

Of course, many of your guests will forego cake and coffee for more drinks and dancing. The band or deejay should kick right back into lively dance music for those all-night partiers who relish another turn on the dance floor.

Bouquet Toss and Garter Removal

If you plan to do a bouquet toss, it usually occurs as one of the last events of the evening. You may want to have your florist prepare a throwaway bouquet so you can keep your original as a keepsake.

Last Dance and Last Call

Take advantage of this opportunity to leave a lasting impression, and end your wedding on a high note. The right tune for the last dance will have your guests reluctant to leave. It needn’t be a slow song; something lively can ignite the mood for the after party, should you desire.

Final Wedding Send-off!

These days, receptions are so fun and involve so much pre-planning, the bride and groom no longer wish to make an early getaway. In fact, they’re often the last to leave! Make your send-off the evening’s finale. Your coordinator will usher everyone to watch as you make your getaway. Have guests blow bubbles, toss rose petals, or even light sparklers to wish you on your merry way toward a lifetime of happiness.

For a Friend of Your Parents

She’s known you since you were “this big,” so she’ll call your mother and tell her how lovely your note was. Make it thoughtful (even if you haven’t seen this family friend since the third grade).

Dear (NAME),

I can’t tell you how much I appreciate the (GIFT) you gave me and (NEW HUSBAND’S NAME). That was so generous and thoughtful. As I’m sure (MOM OR DAD) has told you, I’m really eager to (COOK MORE/DECORATE OUR NEW APARTMENT/ENTERTAIN MORE OFTEN/ETC.), so this will definitely come in handy.

It meant so much to me that you were able to come to the wedding. I loved being able to introduce (NEW HUSBAND’S NAME) to all of the family friends who have known me for years. He really enjoyed meeting you after hearing so much about you.

We hope you had a great time. Your (EXCEPTIONAL DANCING/HILARIOUS STORYTELLING ON THE VIDEO/HELP FINDING THE LOST FLOWER GIRL) won’t be forgotten!

Thanks again,

(YOUR NAME)        

For Your College Roommate or Best Friend

Her presence was more important than her present. Mention how much you appreciate her being there; the gift can be secondary.

Dear (NAME),

My wedding would not have been complete―or as much fun―without you. Thanks for (DRIVING EIGHT HOURS/BUYING A PLANE TICKET/RESCHEDULING YOUR VACATION) to be there. And thank you for the (TOAST/CRAZY THING YOU DID AT THE RECEPTION). I can always count on you to make me (LAUGH/CRY―IN A GOOD WAY).

I was so happy to open the (GIFT) you sent us. You know me too well! Of course I will use it to (BAKE THE BROWNIE RECIPE YOU GAVE ME/EAT LUCKY CHARMS, JUST LIKE COLLEGE/DECORATE THE GUEST ROOM SO YOU CAN COME VISIT). But having you with me on the big day was the best gift. How would I have (FOUND MY SHOES/DEALT WITH MY MOTHER-IN-LAW/FINALLY GOTTEN A GLASS OF CHAMPAGNE) without you?

Thank you for sticking by me and supporting me all these years.

Love,

(YOUR NAME)        

For The Random Person You Could’ve Sworn Was a Party Crasher

Keep it generic.

Dear (NAME),

I am really looking forward to using the (GIFT) you sent (NEW HUSBAND’S NAME) and me for our wedding. We have started (COOKING/DECORATING/ENTERTAINING) more since we got engaged, so this was a perfect gift. Thank you for thinking of us.

(NEW HUSBAND’S NAME) and I feel so lucky to have so many friends and family supporting us as we start our new life. We appreciate your being a part of it and for being so generous.

Hope you had fun at the wedding!

Thanks again,

(YOUR NAME)

(Source: zazzle.com)

I get these types of questions quite a bit: “How should I specify the dress code for my party?” or “I want my guests to dress up but I don’t want them to feel obligated to wear a tuxedo.” These are such common requests that I figured I should put together a helpful guide for you to reference when planning your invitations. Read on for advice on how to properly spell out what your guests should wear, whether it’s for a black tie fete or a backyard barbecue.

Black Tie: This is the most formal and clearest dress code of them all. “Black Tie” simply means men must don tuxedos and women should wear long, fancy gowns. Even in tropical climates, if the invitation says black tie, ladies, it’s not appropriate to wear a short dress.

Black Tie Invited: Essentially when you write “Black Tie Invited,” you’re inviting your guests to dress in black tie, but it’s not required. You can expect most of your guests to show up in tuxes, though.

Elegant Attire: Similar to “Black Tie Invited,” this is the next step down in formality. “Elegant Attire” means gentlemen can wear a tux if they would like, but it’s not required; men will most likely opt to wear a nice suit and tie. Ties are definitely required. Ladies should wear long, formal dresses.
Note: “Formal Attire” is a suitable alternative.

Cocktail Attire: Gentlemen are to dress in nice slacks and dress shirts. Ties are optional. Ladies should wear shorter, less formal cocktail dresses.
Note: A more modern and fun way to say cocktail attire is “Cocktail Chic.” A lot of my clients go with that for their invitations.

Beach Chic: This is great for events in tropical climates. (Essentially, you can replace “Beach” with anything that suits your event’s theme. For example, I’ve had clients use “Vintage Chic” or “Winter Chic.”) This simply means that guests should dress according to the theme.

Festive Attire: This means that guests should have fun and dress according to the theme of the invite. They should wear bright colors and clothes that make a big statement because it’s going to be a playful event.

Business Attire: Typically used for corporate events that are scheduled right after work. Employees will come dressed from the office. Essentially, suits and dressy business attire are requested.

Casual: This is wide open. Be comfortable and casual. Really, there’s no enforced dress code.
Note: If you want people to dress in a slightly less informal style, you can always put “Casual Chic.” I believe that whenever you add the word “Chic” to your attire, you’re telling guests to please take it up a notch.

Come as you are: I love this for day-after brunches or backyard barbecues. This simply means: wear whatever you want. Even PJs are welcome if you feel so inclined!

All White Attire: In this case, everyone is invited to wear white. It’s a particularly beautiful dress code for beach weddings.

Okay. You’ve just been invited to a fancy dinner party, wedding, or some other formal occasion. You’re seated at the dinner table, and suddenly your heart stops. What are all of these strange and foreign…things…laying before you? Who needs three forks when you can just use one? How many glasses do you really need? You expect me to do what with that knife?

It’s truly a fight or flight situation, and as you see it you only have two options: fake a stomach bug and pick up some take-out on the way home, or stumble your way through course after course of shiny, sharp and tined tools.

If these are the thoughts racing through your head, then this article is for you. We’ve mapped out the traditional place setting for formal dinners and navigate you through it, piece by piece. No longer will you need to follow everyone else’s lead when reaching for your salad fork. Instill a new confidence in yourself as you lead the pack through one of the most exotic wildernesses of them all- the dinner table!

A.) Napkin
B.) Dinner plate
C.) Salad plate
D.) Bread plate
E.) Water glass
F.) Red wineglass
G.) White wineglass
H.) Fish fork
I.) Dinner fork
J.) Salad fork
K.) Dinner knife
L.) Fish knife
M.) Soup spoon
N.) Dessert spoon and fork

(Source: zazzle.com)

Q. I am having a buffet-style wedding reception. Is it necessary to have seating arrangements, or should I let guests sit wherever they want?

 A. Even though it’s buffet-style, you’re still serving a meal — as opposed to cocktails and hors d’oeuvres or punch and cake — so formal seating arrangements make sense. Guests do appreciate the time and effort you put into seating them at specific tables, and seating arrangements lend a sense of organization to your wedding reception. With cocktails, people like to mix and mingle, stand up and sit down, so it’s pointless to seat them at specific tables. But if a wedding meal is involved, guests like to have some direction. The only exception? If your reception is very casual. If you’re doing a down-home, informal country barbecue — and if there are 50 or fewer guests — feel free to let everyone sit where they want.

Q. My son is getting married, and his fiancée’s family has already said they have everything under control for the wedding.  I don’t want to be a nuisance, but I would like to plan something fun in addition to the rehearsal dinner.  Would a day-after brunch be acceptable, and if so, where should I have it?—Sue

A. That sounds like a lovely idea!  Traditionally, the bride’s parents throw a day-after brunch, but it is acceptable for anyone to do so.  Just make sure to ask the bride’s family first, in case they had already planned on throwing one.  With so much to do for the wedding, being able to not have to plan the next morning will probably sound like heaven to them!  You can have the brunch anywhere, although I always think those at home are best, if you live in the same town, and can accommodate the number of guests.  Otherwise, depending upon the number of guests, reserve tables or a private room at a favorite local restaurant.  The goal is for everyone to relax, so make sure it isn’t overly formal, and feels welcoming.

* Photo Credit : The Sweetest Ocassion

Q: I have one too many bridesmaids. How can I work the extra friend into my wedding?

A: Good news—you won’t have to invent a role for your friend. There’s no bridal law that says you have to have an equal number of male and female attendants. Single attendants of either sex can walk up and down the aisle alone or in pairs, or a groomsman can accompany two women, one on each arm. As for the first dance, it’s optional to have the entire wedding party pair off to join you and your husband for a spin. If you do want everyone on the dance floor, your solo maid can dance with her date or with another honored guest—your grandfather, a family friend or a favorite uncle.

Q: One of my bridesmaids doesn’t seem enthusiastic about my wedding. Should I ask her to quit the party?

A: No. This is your wedding, not a political primary. And besides, once you’ve asked someone to be an attendant, you can’t un-ask her. Consider why your friend isn’t jumping for joy regarding your wedding. Is she busy with school? Working long hours? Raising a family? Even though the wedding is likely the most important thing in your life right now, it’s probably not in hers. So get a little perspective. If being busy isn’t the reason for her aloofness, could she be jealous? If that’s the case, go easy on her and don’t dominate your time together with talk of flower palettes and china patterns.

Q: At least half of my attendants are from out of town. Am I supposed to pay for their hotel rooms? What about all of the dresses? 

A: Attendants usually pay for their own accommodations and attire. You can help them out though, by calling around to local hotels and asking about a discounted rate for reserving a block of rooms. (Also, local friends and relatives might be happy to put up a member of the wedding.) Do keep the big financial picture in mind as you shop for dresses and choose something within reason. And please, don’t force them to get their hair or makeup professionally done. However, if you’d like to cover those costs, that’s perfectly acceptable.

Q: Is it all right to have two maids of honor?

A: Of course! It’s your party, and you can have as many maids of honor as you want. But you’ll want to set your dynamic duo off in a special way. You might have them wear slightly different dresses from the rest of your bevy of bridesmaids. This could mean a different color, different style or the same color and style with a shorter or longer hem line. Or simply have the two of them march down the aisle together—this way there’s no mistaking that they both hold the top slot in the wedding party. If you’re having a bridal-party dance at the reception, instruct the best man to take a turn around the dance floor with both girls (separately, of course). Finally, ask your two main maids to give a joint speech at the reception. And don’t forget to give your photographer the heads up on this great photo op.

Q: Do I have to ask an old friend to be in my bridal party just because I was in hers five years ago?

Q: My best friend is getting married and I am in the wedding party. Her sister is the maid of honor and my friend informed me that the etiquette says that sisters of brides do NOT plan the bridal shower; she said it is the bridesmaids’ responsibilities/jobs. My best friend and I are really close so I absolutely don’t mind planning the shower along with the other bridesmaid, but I wanted to get your expert opinion, is this really true etiquette?

A: Yes, this is true. The logic behind not having sisters (aunts or close cousins) host a bridal shower is that there could be the perception that the relative was just trying to coerce a gift out of unsuspecting friends. Whereas, if a friend of the bride hosted a shower it would be seen as the community just being so thrilled and happy for the bride.

The tradition lives on, and wherever possible, the bride’s relatives’ names are not put on the shower invitation. It is common practice, however, for the bride’s relatives to contribute in some way, shape or form to the planning of the party.

Q: After I am married, does my engagement ring or my wedding ring go on my hand first? My aunt swears to me that the engagement ring goes on and then the band. But I wear the band closest to my heart and my engagement ring in front of it. Which one of us is right?

A: Well, in a way, you are both correct. Technically, the wedding band should be worn closest to your heart. This would mean taking off the engagement ring, putting on the wedding band and then the engagement ring. (Some brides will wear their engagement ring on their right hand for the day of the wedding to facilitate this process.) However, many modern brides feel that since they received the engagement ring first, it should stay on the finger, adding the wedding band after the ceremony. Fortunately there are no jewelry police; so what you decide to do is really up to you.

Photo Credit: Hoobly.com

(Source: zazzle.com)